The Paradox of Restriction: Understanding Child Behavior and Stress

Restricting access to enjoyable activities or items for children often leads to increased unpredictability, which can be particularly stressful for neurodivergent children. When we take away something they love to prevent "overuse," we inadvertently train their brains to seek alternative ways to fulfill that need. This can heighten their desire for the very thing we’re trying to limit, leading to behaviors that may seem irrational but are simply their way of expressing a natural yearning for happiness.

Consider this analogy: imagine being an adult invited into a money machine with just ten seconds to grab as many $100 bills as possible. The urgency to collect every bill would likely lead to frantic, desperate behavior. In contrast, someone with unlimited access to money wouldn’t feel the same urgency or need to “binge”—they would likely approach it differently.

This principle applies to children and their relationship with sweet treats, technology, and other beloved activities. When children have free access to these things, the intense need to grab as much as possible diminishes. Instead of viewing them as scarce resources, they learn to enjoy them more leisurely.

Take, for instance, the common concern about kids bingeing on candy or overusing electronics. Parents often describe behaviors like hoarding or frantic consumption. These reactions stem from a fear of scarcity. However, if we allow full access—while ensuring safe boundaries, such as parental controls and time limits—children gradually learn to self-moderate their usage.

Initially, you may observe some overeating or excessive screen time. This is a normal part of the adjustment phase. After a month or so of having continuous access without intervention or shaming, children start to self-regulate. They learn to manage their time better, understanding that the treats or technology will still be there tomorrow. This predictability alleviates anxiety and encourages healthier habits.

For example, when I put a candy bowl on the table, the first few weeks I saw my children eating candy whenever they wanted, sometimes even before dinner. But over time, they begin to approach it more mindfully. With no fear of missing out, they save their candy for later, eat it in moderation, or even ignore it altogether.

The same applies to screen time. Initially, children might ask for more time as they test boundaries. But through open discussions about time management, they start to understand how to plan their activities around their allocated screen time.

At school, my students are allowed free access to their laptops. At first we had to set some boundaries, and expectations. It too some time getting all of them to understand that they are always there and they won't be taken away. I also encourage them to use them, for instance we were doing an art project with pumpkins and a student asked me what color order the candy corn was in. I suggeested he grab his laptop and look it up while he painted. He did just this, using it to look up a candy corn, and then he shut it, carried it back and plugged in the charger. A child who may not be familiar with free access would likely take the opportunity to try to open a game, or use their computer for something else getting side tracked.

In the two photos above, you’ll notice that not every student has a laptop—only those who need it for specific tasks, such as looking up references for their drawings or conducting research for a project. In most settings, children often feel the urge to use a laptop simply because they see others using theirs. This scenario highlights a key principle: when children have full access without restrictions or unpredictable limitations, they are more likely to develop self-regulation skills. They learn to identify when technology is truly necessary, rather than feeling compelled to use it just because it’s available. This is a powerful example of how allowing free access can foster intrinsic motivation and responsible behavior.

The important takeaway is to consider the implications of restriction. By allowing free access within safe limits, we can help children develop healthier relationships with food, technology, and other activities, reducing stress and promoting intrinsic moderation. It can be challenging at first, especially if your child has previously faced restrictions or associated these things with punishment. However, if you commit to this process, allowing everyone to navigate the initial difficulties over the first month or two, you’ll witness a remarkable transformation! This approach not only enhances their enjoyment but also fosters a sense of security and well-being.